Been awhile

Our family recently got a membership at our local Rec Center. Yesterday I was motivated to go to it. I actually worked out for quite awhile. I biked to the Rec Center and back which is almost 2 miles total...While there I walked/jogged about 3 miles around their running track. I worked out on some of the weight equipment. Then I swam about a 1/4 mile.

I figured that I would be hurting today, but overall I don't feel too bad. A little stiff, but all that tells me is that I actually did something yesterday.

Now if I can just figure out a way to get there everyday for like an hour or two, then maybe I can get myself in shape. With the family history that I have I need to get into shape. My mother has high cholesterol & high blood pressure. My dad has heart disease and high cholesterol. Both of them are borderline diabetic. There is a history of diabetes on both sides of the family. My mom's grandmother had it, and most of my dad's aunts and uncles have it. I had gestational diabetes with two of my pregnancies.

I NEED to lose weight!! If anyone reads this and has suggestions, please post them.

Tonight I went to a movie. During the course of it, I ate popcorn. Not a small bag.....not even a large bag......I ate a whole bucket of popcorn.

On the way home from the movie, I drove silently. No radio....no chatting with someone on the phone to pass the time on the way home.......I just listened to my thoughts. I heard a voice in my head. Was the voice I heard in my head God???? Was it my own conscience? Or in another crazy realm was it an old friend trying to talk some sense into me?

The voice kept nagging at me, at first just about my piggish eating of the popcorn. Then I started listening to it ask me why I ate it all. At first it was like I argued with it. "I hadn't eaten much for supper so I was just hungry."

"BULLSHIT!!!" said the voice. "You stopped being hungry before you even got through a third of the bucket. Yet you kept eating. You weren't just hungry."

"It is just what I do when I go to a movie......" and on it went. I kept coming up with reasons why I did it. Yet the voice kept calling me a liar.

"You have gained more than just a pound or two this year haven't you?" the voice asked.

"Well, duh.....it has been a pretty bad year with the fire and all. I would say that is a pretty legitimate reason wouldn't you?"

"An excuse is what it is. Pure and utter BULLSHIT really. Don't get me wrong. The fire was horrible. But everybody is okay........"

Are they???

Not a day goes by that I am not haunted by images of the fire. Images of the wreckage that I walked through are forever ingrained in my head. If I close my eyes, I keep seeing the charred image of my daughters' room. A hole in the corner, charred black, and a dresser a bedswidth away. I can still remember how my baby used to sleep on a metal framed transitional bed/crib in that corner. If we had all been asleep that night, my baby would have been found dead in that corner. Of that, I have no doubt. Nor can I forget about one of my other kids who would have been dead just across the room.

Then it really hit me: I really have a problem with food. Not only that but I have other problems that I have got to face up to as well. I need to stop trying to cure my problems with food. As I sit here right now, I realize that if I were to eat a large bucket of popcorn, or even a bag full of Hershey's dark chocolate kisses, those images are not going to go away. The food doesn't help me deal with that.

If I keep eating large amounts of food, like buckets of popcorn, for example, it is going to come back to haunt me more than it is right at this moment. I am going to continue gaining who knows how much weight. That could lead to serious medical issues, especially with my family history. I could develop full-blown diabetes, considering I have had gestational diabetes twice already, my dad is borderline diabetic, and most of his aunts and uncles have diabetes. Lest we forget the effect weight gain can have on my heart and my father's history of heart trouble.

To be honest, I am seriously being a selfish bitch. Forget the affect that all that can have on me.....how is it affecting my family???? If I don't start taking care of myself, my habits could end up killing me!!!!

I need to realize what that would do to the kids. I need to remember all the wonderful hugs I get from my youngest and how she sometimes lays her head on my shoulder and just squeezes me. I need to remember how much she loves her Melmo blanket.

I need to remember how much my heart warms when my middle child laughs or shows concern for others.

I need to remember the sound of my oldest child's voice when we first heard her over the baby monitor when she was maybe 6 months old.

I need to remember how it felt when my husband first told me he loved me.

Before I overindulge in the foods I love to eat, or reach for another piece of cake that I really don't need, I need to remember these things and what would happen to my family if something happened to me.......I NEED TO STOP BEING A SELFISH BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fire!!!

One month ago today,our family had a house fire. Our home is a total loss. This past month has been a blur at times. So much has happened and there is still so much to do. I will blog more about this in the next few days. We are all ok and I just wanted to let people know that I am still around.

What is Wrong With Me

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me today. Things were going ok during the morning and into the early part of the afternoon. Now I just feel.......empty.

I don't know if it is a bunch of little things piled on top of one another until finally the pile toppled over when one more little irritant was added. The final irritant was something my husband said.

I put up a couple of flyers a few months ago advertising the fact that I was a stay-at-home-mother willing to do daycare. I had a few calls about it and had one lady stop by to meet me, but nothing really has come of it. About a week or two ago a lady called wanting daycare for her 9 year old for a short time before and after school. She said that she was checking out her options and would get back to me later.

A couple of days ago she called me back and left a message on my machine saying that she wanted to use me for daycare and wanted to set up a time to have her daughter come over to meet me and get used to my home. I was more than willing and able to do daycare for her the first time she called over a week ago.

Now, I have a problem with being able to do daycare. I have been selected for jury duty. For the next two months I may or may not be available to do daycare. In the morning before school, it wouldn't be a problem because the little girl would be already at school before I leave for jury duty.

Now I was looking at the daycare situation the way I thought the mom would. You want a daycare provider that you can rely on that will be available at the times you need. I called her back and had to leave a message on her machine. I told her that I was chosen for jury duty and that I didn't know how available I would be for her. I wouldn't be able to give her a great deal of notice as to whether or not I would be available. The most notice she would get would be the night before.

My husband asked about this woman today. First he just made a comment that the woman must have decided to go with someone else for daycare. I told him that she had called back, and said that she wanted me to do her daycare and that I had returned her call telling her that I may not be able to do daycare consistently for the next couple of months because of the jury duty.

Then my hubby got kind of, for lack of a better word, pissy. He said that just because I have been selected for jury duty doesn't mean I will actually have to serve. He may be right about that, but what if he isn't and I end up serving on juries quite a bit over the next two months? What kind of situation does that leave this mom in, not knowing if her daycare provider will be able to do daycare or not? He basically said that I could make the situation work if I really wanted to.

A short time later, after hubby had gone to work, he calls saying that I must have his Bluetooth earpiece because the one he had with him didn't work. He had this tone to his voice kind of like the one he used when we were talking about the daycare situation. I got a little snappy with him, I will admit to that. He asked me to call him back once I knew whether or not I had the right earpiece. I did call him back. He picked up but wouldn't say anything so I told him that I did have his earpiece and then hung up when I didn't hear a response. I don't know if there was a reception problem or if he was deliberately not answering me.

I was cranky for the rest of the night. I got my kids to bed and sat blindly watching Grey's Anatomy afterwards. Couldn't really tell you what happened during it because I just didn't care. I figured that I would do something else, such as doing some long neglected sewing. I attempted to change a bobbin because I wanted a different colored thread.

This is when my pile of little things began to topple. I felt stupid for not being able to figure out how to get the thread of the bobbin to come through so that I could actually sew properly. I had a diagram in front of me and no matter how I looked at it, it made no sense. I started to cry because then I started to doubt every decision I had been making. I kept telling myself how stupid I must be to not figure this bobbin thing out. I must be stupid for not handling the daycare situation the way that my hubby thought I should have. In my head it felt as if I couldn't do anything right.

I finally gave up on the bobbin and went to bed to have a good cry. Usually that is supposed to help. It didn't. I just kept thinking about how sad I felt and that I don't seem to enjoy anything right now, not sex with my husband, not television, not even spending time with my kids.

I just feel lost. I know that I should talk to my hubby about this, but I feel that he will just get all judgemental, pissy, and mad and not understand why I don't seem to be happy. How would that help?

If you have any suggestions, please share them. I really could use some advice.