Try to figure things out...

      I guess that I need to think less of this blog being something others may or not read and more like a diary.  Let this be a place where I can write down what I think or what I feel regardless of a reading audience.  If someone does read this, maybe something I say here might be of some help to them....With that being said...

      I had an interview today.  It went fine other than the fact that it was a colossal waste of time.  I went into it relatively calm.  I went to it hoping it to be an opportunity for a good change.  I had hoped that it would be a step up to something better in employment, perhaps with better pay, but at least a job with benefits.

     Nope, again I was wrong.  It was a seasonal job, with less pay, and benefits that wouldn't begin until my job was nearly over for the season.  My current boss was happy, no doubt about that.  For him it means that there is one less person he needs to hire to fill a void in the warehouse.  For me, it meant another day in a job with no future.  For me it meant me spending the rest of my workday at a job in a pissy mood, wondering if there exists a job anywhere that has benefits of insurance.

    Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the people that I work with, and the job itself isn't the most awful thing in the world.  But there is no future.  If I am still working at this job in 5 years, god forbid, I probably won't be making much more than I do now and will still be in the same jam I am in now, which is looking for a job that has some sort of potential for.....something, whether it be a job that will help provide insurance for our family or a job that gives me some sense of purpose.  I don't have that now.

    I am so frustrated I could scream.  We are struggling to catch up on a never-ending pile of bills.  I don't want to have to claim bankruptcy again.   My husband is away from all of us and I know that it is killing him to be away for so long.  The kids and I miss him so much.

    He is almost done with the construction job he is doing right now and will soon be shipped somewhere else, though it is a place that is just as far, if not farther, than the current place he is in.  He has to look for a place to stay where he is going and wants to get a camper, which I can't really blame him.  The alternative for him is to stay in a house with the guys he works with who party into the wee hours of the night.  I can't even imagine the kind of nightmare that would be.  So I understand it, but I can't help but wonder how we would be able to afford getting a camper.

    We have some money saved up, but that is supposed to be going towards getting a garage built.  With all the bills we have that we are behind on, I personally think that we would be better up using that to get caught up with our mortgage, credit cards, etc.  I know that we could really use the garage, but if it has to wait another year or so, so what.  We have done just fine without it so far...

    I have to come up with a plan of some sort because this is just too much to handle for too much longer.  It literally feels as if our life right now is a rope that is dangerously close to snapping.   I need to come up with a way to make money so that Jason can be home.  He is missing out on so much.  We all are.

    I haven't been fair to him in all this whatsoever.   I haven't put his feelings first at all.  I haven't put the needs of our family first.  I have, for lack of a better word, been an incredibly, thoughtless, and selfish bitch.  I need to keep reminding myself of that every time I complain about housework not getting done or that there is too much to do here at home.  This is where I have chosen to be.  I could have gone out and gotten something better by now if I had really pushed myself to do so.  Jason has been after me to do it for years and would gladly trade places with me right now if it didn't kill us financially to do so.

   How do I change us for the better??  Guess that it first has to start with me.  That is truly the only thing that I can change right now.  I, and I alone can change me.  Others can suggest ways to make the changes but ultimately I am the only one who can fix me or change the course of where I am going in life.  Too bad life doesn't come with an instruction manual.  If it does, then where in the hell is MY copy???

I am really tired right now and hurt from head to toe.  I took a pain pill and am going to bed right now....before 10 p.m...wow...Very tempted to watch an episode of Vampire Diaries, but like any good show available on Netflix, it becomes very addicting to watch.  If I watch 1 episode, then I will really want to watch the next one....I can wait until the weekend and watch them all then.  I am just going to plug in my old I-Phone and watch a movie that I have probably watched like 100 times and fall asleep maybe 5-10 minutes into it.  Got get some rest so that I can function at my girl scout troop meeting tomorrow.....about 11 8yr old girls together in one place, supervised only by me....yeah, talk about an energy draining time...good night.

Quick posting tonight

Wooo hoo!!  Second day in a row of posting.  I am going to try to make this short because it is lightning and a clap of thunder just shook the house, but keep in mind I was an English major once upon a college life....... so here goes.

Today's topic????

Well, something that has been on my mind lately is finding a different job.  The job I have now isn't awful except for the fact that it only pays $8/hour and has no benefits.  I just applied for a job on Saturday at a local camper place.  I am not sure what it pays, but it has benefits.  So it is a step in the right direction.  I check the paper every day to see if something new and potentially beneficial comes up.  Today there was a job at a place that is literally in the building just down the road from where I am working right now.  I believe that it pays a little more and might even have benefits, but I have to laugh at the fact of where it is located. 

I haven't had long term jobs, not really since I have been married and had kids, but the last few jobs I have had are probably within 3 miles of each other.  Maybe I should take that as a sign to apply for the job down the road from where I am working now.  This section of town seems to be lucky for me. 

I still have a job application to fill out where a job pays $11/hour, but it has no benefits.  I haven't heard back from the camper place yet, so I will probably call them tomorrow.  It would be a good job for me I think.  I would be able to spend some time outside washing campers, keeping the camper property clean and I would have benefits.  But if that place doesn't work out, I need to come up with a plan C....yes a plan C.  Plan A right now is the camper place.  Plan B is to just keep on working at the place I am currently at because at least I have a job to go to. 

Well, so much to ponder, but I should get off the computer now and enjoy the storm brewing outside.  Take care everyone.

Suggestions for my next post?

So Much For Posting Daily

I really have to make time to blog on here.  Maybe the key to getting everything done that I need to get done is to make a to-do list.  It is something I have done before with varying degrees of success.  Sometimes I get a few things done and other times hardly anything gets done....oh wait, my last to do list is still on the fridge and I have maybe done 2 or 3 things on it....hmm.

Maybe I should make a schedule for my day instead of a list so I can see what needs to get done and when I should get it done.  There would be certain things that need to get done on a daily basis.  Other things only need to be done a couple of days a week or less.

Getting the kids to regularly help out would be wonderful, though I won't hold my breath on that one.  I think, instead, I will just enjoy the times when they actually do help out and reward them when they do.  Then I will just have to resign myself to the fact that more often than not I will just have to do it myself, as much as that sucks.  Today the 6 yr old folded a huge basket of towels and the 8 & 9 yr olds put away their baskets of laundry.....SCORE!!

I also need to start getting to bed before midnight so that when my day begins I actually have the energy to face it.....with that being said, I need to get to bed now.  Goodnight everyone.  If nobody is reading this, then I am talking to myself.  May there be words of wisdom on here tomorrow, if I actually remember to write anything on here.