I guess that I need to think less of this blog being something others may or not read and more like a diary. Let this be a place where I can write down what I think or what I feel regardless of a reading audience. If someone does read this, maybe something I say here might be of some help to them....With that being said...
I had an interview today. It went fine other than the fact that it was a colossal waste of time. I went into it relatively calm. I went to it hoping it to be an opportunity for a good change. I had hoped that it would be a step up to something better in employment, perhaps with better pay, but at least a job with benefits.
Nope, again I was wrong. It was a seasonal job, with less pay, and benefits that wouldn't begin until my job was nearly over for the season. My current boss was happy, no doubt about that. For him it means that there is one less person he needs to hire to fill a void in the warehouse. For me, it meant another day in a job with no future. For me it meant me spending the rest of my workday at a job in a pissy mood, wondering if there exists a job anywhere that has benefits of insurance.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the people that I work with, and the job itself isn't the most awful thing in the world. But there is no future. If I am still working at this job in 5 years, god forbid, I probably won't be making much more than I do now and will still be in the same jam I am in now, which is looking for a job that has some sort of potential for.....something, whether it be a job that will help provide insurance for our family or a job that gives me some sense of purpose. I don't have that now.
I am so frustrated I could scream. We are struggling to catch up on a never-ending pile of bills. I don't want to have to claim bankruptcy again. My husband is away from all of us and I know that it is killing him to be away for so long. The kids and I miss him so much.
He is almost done with the construction job he is doing right now and will soon be shipped somewhere else, though it is a place that is just as far, if not farther, than the current place he is in. He has to look for a place to stay where he is going and wants to get a camper, which I can't really blame him. The alternative for him is to stay in a house with the guys he works with who party into the wee hours of the night. I can't even imagine the kind of nightmare that would be. So I understand it, but I can't help but wonder how we would be able to afford getting a camper.
We have some money saved up, but that is supposed to be going towards getting a garage built. With all the bills we have that we are behind on, I personally think that we would be better up using that to get caught up with our mortgage, credit cards, etc. I know that we could really use the garage, but if it has to wait another year or so, so what. We have done just fine without it so far...
I have to come up with a plan of some sort because this is just too much to handle for too much longer. It literally feels as if our life right now is a rope that is dangerously close to snapping. I need to come up with a way to make money so that Jason can be home. He is missing out on so much. We all are.
I haven't been fair to him in all this whatsoever. I haven't put his feelings first at all. I haven't put the needs of our family first. I have, for lack of a better word, been an incredibly, thoughtless, and selfish bitch. I need to keep reminding myself of that every time I complain about housework not getting done or that there is too much to do here at home. This is where I have chosen to be. I could have gone out and gotten something better by now if I had really pushed myself to do so. Jason has been after me to do it for years and would gladly trade places with me right now if it didn't kill us financially to do so.
How do I change us for the better?? Guess that it first has to start with me. That is truly the only thing that I can change right now. I, and I alone can change me. Others can suggest ways to make the changes but ultimately I am the only one who can fix me or change the course of where I am going in life. Too bad life doesn't come with an instruction manual. If it does, then where in the hell is MY copy???
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